It’s unavoidable. Someday, your parents will age to the point where they need extra help. We hope that this day is far away, but for many, the day has arrived already, and they aren’t sure how to get the conversation started.
We get it. We’ve had to talk with our parents about hiring them extra help and we know how tough it is. So, if you’re looking for some tips, keep reading to learn how to approach the topic of caregiving with aging parents.
Step 1: Talk to Your Siblings First
When the moment comes when you think your parents need extra help, the first thing you need to do is talk to your siblings, as what is about to happen concerns them as well.
For the best results, set a meeting time with your siblings without your parents. In-person is best if it’s possible; otherwise, Zoom works as well. Make sure you do it at a time where it is convenient for everyone, and not during a holiday gathering.
During this discussion, you’ll want to cover the following topics:
- How much help do your parents need?
- Are there some aspects you can provide?
- Is there money to hire help?
- How much help/time are you willing to offer?
- What services are available in your area?
- Do your parents need medical assistance?
- When will you talk to your parents?
- When will you meet again to discuss this?
Have someone take notes during the meeting so you can remember who volunteered what. Then, it’s time to talk to your parents.
Related: Checklist for Caring for Aging Parents
Step 2: Talk to Your Parents
Although your parents need extra help, it’s important to remember that they aren’t helpless and that they are still individuals with thoughts and feelings. Although you and your siblings already have ideas of what they may need and how you can help, you’ll need to discuss with your parents what they want first, before you take any action steps.
Like with your siblings, you’ll want to schedule a time to sit down with your parents. Try to have multiple siblings there, so this doesn’t feel like an attack. Also, bring a list of some of your brainstormed ideas.
Here are a few topics to discuss with your parents:
- What tasks do they need help with?
- How do they feel about aging in place?
- Do they want outside help?
- Do they have money for outside help?
- Are they aware of government/local programs?
- How can you make their life easier?
Like with your previous meeting, take notes. Additionally, don’t judge your parent’s responses, even if they are resistant to help. Ensure you discuss with them the benefits, and that you just want what is best for them.
Related: Resources for Caring for Aging Parents
Step 3: Start Small
Your parents’ lives won’t be transformed overnight. Unless your parents are seriously ill, it’s important to ease them into caregiving, no matter what style they choose. Start with getting them frequent help with difficult tasks. Chances are, even the most resistant parents will embrace these small changes as they truly make their lives easier.
Here are some examples of some small ways to ease your parents into having a caregiver:
- Schedule grocery or meal deliveries
- Hire someone to come clean the home once per week
- Have a member of the family or a caregiver come to help them meal prep
- Have a family member or caregiver take over driving your parents to appointments
- Schedule a nurse to come by once per week (for those who require higher levels of medical care.)
- Plan to have your family (or a sibling’s family) come by one weekend a month to help with yard work, moving items, laundry, or other larger tasks.
As you can see, many of these are simple aspects of help that won’t change your parents’ lives. They will still live in their home and still have their independence—two things that often cause major resistance to hiring a caregiver.
Step 4: Have a Contingency Plan
While starting small is important, it is critical to know that someday your parents will require more care, and you will want to begin to plan for that now, even if you don’t act upon it just yet.
This can be things like saving money for a stair chair, or move, if your parents are currently living in a two-story house. It can also include making a list of future services your parents may need soon but not now. It also may be the time to consider retirement communities in the area, taking the time to visit each one to find the perfect fit.
This is also the time to discuss documents like power of attorney, a will, and other end-of-life documents. While many parents may be resistant, let them know that while they don’t have to enact on these documents now, it is time to consider them and make a plan to fill them out.
Related: How to Write a Will Without a Lawyer
Step 5: Keep Communication Open
This is not an overnight process, in fact we expect step 4 will take years, as your parents progressively age. During this time, continue to have frequent meetings with your parents, and siblings, to ensure their needs are being met. Of course, their desires may change, and it’s important to be open and receptive to this.
We recommend planning yearly or twice-yearly check-ins to ensure the caregiving plan is still working and that everyone’s needs are being met.
Step 6: Be Prepared to Step In
It is important to keep your parents wants and desires in mind, but at some point, you will likely have to step in. This can be difficult, especially when you love and respect your parents, but if your parents are showing signs of Dementia, Alzheimer’s, or diminished decision-making abilities, it may be time to consider more full-time care or an assisted living facility to ensure they remain safe and healthy for the rest of their years.
Overall, it is never easy to discuss the prospect of caregiving with your parents, but it is better to approach the topic sooner rather than later to grant them the decisions they want to make. Ensure you and your siblings provide a unified front and know of all the options available for caregiving in your area.
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